The
Challenge of Autistic Intimacy
Robert W. Murray
Are meaningful relationships an insurmountable challenge for autistic
people?
As someone who has published on, spoken about and studied Asperger’s
Syndrome (AS), the most popular topic of all seems to be whether someone
with AS can ever have a successful romantic relationship. While my
discussions tend to focus on my own experiences as someone with AS, I see a
major literary and medical shortfall in the way this topic is presented or
understood by many observers, including professionals. There is cause for
concern, I think, when medical professionals take a sampling from a group of
people with AS and apply those outcomes universally to all with the
disorder.
It is admittedly difficult for those with AS to form close relationships of
any kind, especially the romantic type. Dr. Tony Attwood has recently
presented an interesting account of the reasons why people might be
attracted to those with AS and why relationships seem to be so tough to
manage for both an autistic and non-autistic person. Attwood interestingly
applies the word “monastic” to those with high-functioning autism because in
many cases, these people can go their entire lives without being in a
romantic relationship. In my experience, I have heard adults with AS refer
to themselves as being asexual, disinterested or completely afraid. Each of
these descriptions would be completely foreign to those without AS, and they
are all intensely personal, applying to the individuals who express them.
Do people with AS desire romantic or intimate relationships? The best answer
to this question, like almost all others when discussing a large group of
people, would be: “some do”. Human society has conditioned us to see the
advantages of a spouse and family, and even pressure young people to settle
down in that stereotype. When contemporary society assesses what makes a
person’s life complete or successful, a driving concern is always whether
that person has a family, what sort of home the family lives in and what the
spousal relationship is like. Modern media inundates us daily with images of
fairly tale romance, stable families and typically provides accounts of
happy endings, no matter what the difficulties were leading to that end. In
growing up with AS, a teenager or young adult is pressured heavily to pursue
these relationships, like all other young people. Many parents, friends or
educators see this as a natural part of growing up.
Unfortunately, the costs of these pursuits tend to outweigh the benefits for
people with AS. Constant rejection is not the only factor experienced by
these young adults trying to find their way in a non-autistic world. What
professionals and observers are not able to understand or study with any
accuracy is the internal effects of failed or failing romantic
relationships. There tend to be serious consequences when romance goes
astray in an autistic mind, the most profound of which is a fundamental
misunderstanding that can, in some cases, force a person with AS to never
engage in romantic behaviour again or shut down completely from the world
around them.
When I get asked about my experiences in relationships and what went wrong
in all of them, because none have turned out to be “successful”, I describe
what I call a logic gap.
The human mind is logical, rational and can understand facts and experiences
based on empirical details and reason. Those with Asperger’s tend to prefer
a very rules-based and structured lifestyle. When these rules and routines
get corrupted or broken, this is when severe reactions can occur. Of course,
professionals have been documenting these facts for years and are now
commonly accepted.
Romance, as we all know, is irrational. Hollywood has inundated humanity
with visual representations of how great it is that love does not follow the
rules of society and can never be explained in any reasonable sense.
Millions of dollars are spent by the public to see two contradictory
personalities, lifestyles and history coming together in a perfect ending.
It is this purely illogical nature of romance that tends to be the primary
obstacle to successful relationships among autistic people.
In my case, romance and intimacy do not come naturally. In fact, a regular
joke among my family, friends and colleagues seems to be that I will be
single forever based on the seemingly harsh or inappropriate comments that
leave my mouth on a regular basis. There is a logic gap when it comes to
trying to figure out a relationship and how to navigate the murky waters
they seem to embody. Any hints of success I have found in my life come as a
result of following a set of defined rules to the letter, applying
rationality to each decision I make and having a set of previously proven
facts upon which to base my decisions. Risk is not a concept I understand
very well and I try very hard to avoid it, when possible. None of these
conditions are feasible in a relationship of any kind, especially a romantic
one. In order to co-exist with someone on an intimate level, it has to be
commonly accepted that all of the facts of the other person will never be
known, costs and benefits are not defined in rational terms and rules simply
do not exist because morality is too ambiguous a concept to ever be clearly
articulated.
The fact that there is a logic gap between the autistic mind and the minds
of others, however, does not preclude the possibility of me, or any other
autistic person, from having a successful romantic relationship. It does
tend to eliminate or inhibit the willingness to overcome that gap or invest
the time, effort and mental anguish that seem to play a role in each
relationship.
People with AS are attractive for many reasons, but are also unattractive
for others – this does not differ from any other person. In the end, if a
person wants to pursue a relationship with an autistic person, they must
recognize the logical perceptions involved, be clear in both verbal and
physical articulations, and be prepared for many unique instances where the
partner with AS will be confused, unaware or shut off. In summary, both
people must like a challenge, but it appears to be one that can be overcome
with time and patience.
Robert W. Murray is a SSHRC Doctoral Fellow and PhD Candidate in the
Department of Political Science at the University of Alberta, Canada and is
also diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. He has written a number of articles
on the subject and can be reached at
rwmurray@ualberta.ca.
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